Its Christmas time...yay?

Its nice to be isolated, you know?
Tonight, everyone even remotely popular in the younger queer community is going to be going for dinner at GAB and is going to have a fantastically fun time. I wouldn't even have known about it if I hadn't seen two of my friends talking about it on their facebook walls. Last time I checked, I was gay, so its nice to see that I'm so well liked and accepted even within my own group that they wouldn't even bother inviting me or acknowledging me as part of the community. Obviously I'm not going to go, no need to ruin a perfectly good party that they're all going to enjoy.
I hate that everyone just passes me by, am I really that repulsive or invisible that the courtesy of an invitation I'd likely decline anyways can't even be sent? I don't hang with the people at GAB or any others "of my kind" simply because that respect isn't there; why should I go to a party where I'd only know people from a meeting once over the summer if they're not even going to pretend to be friendly towards me, just another way for me to humiliate myself, so I think I'll pass.
Still...it would be nice to go, just so I can say I went and had a good time and enjoyed myself among people who understand me a bit better than my heterosexual friends. Nuts to them though, they wanna be all cliqued up and shun those who aren't part of their in-group, fine. I don't need them (I need them) and I'm better off without them (no I'm not).

Another round of Midnight Thoughts

So its not quite midnight right now, and I'm amazing myself by going to bed as soon as I finish writing this, which will very likely be before the end of the calendar day. Why? Because I just came to the realization that deep down, I don't have any friends. I have acquaintances, people with whom I socialize via the wonders of technology, not people that I actually get to go out and spend time with. For the first time in my life, that actually bothers me. I used to be really popular as a child, you know that O Anonymous Reader? I used to have birthday parties with literally fifty, sixty or seventy classmates and others who I genuinely called friends and spent huge amounts of time with. Not counting tonight's excursion, I can barely remember the last time I did anything fun with friends my own age. What happened to me? I can't think that its everyone else that's changed, that's too narcissistic. So what happened? Why is it that I find it so hard to be friends with people now, to the point where its almost like they're driven away by my very presense.
I miss it you know. Those of you who used to be close to me, I do miss you, but I guess I'm afraid. Maybe I'm afraid you'll hate me for what I've become or who I admit to being. Maybe I'm afraid that you'll leave and never come back if I let you back in. Maybe it doesn't matter. I just want to say that I miss my past self, the one that was always smiling and never swore, the one that had so many friends and activities going that it seemed like my house was simply a rest stop for all those who went to school with me. But that's over now isn't it? A child's dream gone in a puff of smoke, disappeared as though it was never truly there. I wish I could go back to the beginning, to go to all those people I've lost and left behind along the way and say come back with me, lets take this journey in our lives together again, like how we used to back when we were younger, dumber, and less encumbered with the stresses of our new lives as young adults in this stupid, high-stress world.
I guess I sound pretty pathetic now don't I?
But maybe that too is a good thing; I think maybe if if I show I'm not just a calculating bitch who's interested in his job, maybe people will like me more. But how can that be true when I'm the one people turn to for help with their problems...
Is it because I'm shy when you first meet me? I wish I could change that, but I don't know how...like I said before, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you'll hate me if I let you see who I am, and maybe, just maybe, I'll hate myself too if I show off what I am for the world and myself to see. Maybe I'll be so frightened of my demons and my preconceptions that I'll hate me too, and understand why people don't interact with me the way they used to do.
But I guess I won't ever get to find out, because no one wants to associate with me long enough to interact and let me find out; its too easy to simply talk about your own issues to me like you always do, instead of helping me when I finally, just this once, need real help to pull through. Maybe you'll change your mind, maybe someone in my vast group of "friends", friends and acquaintances will reach out and show me that I don't have to be afraid and that its okay to loosen up, that its okay just to be myself instead of what everyone wants me to be.
I think I'm going to go cry, realizing you're the world's biggest loner has that effect on people.

Song of the Day: Back Home - Yellowcard

Friday Night Blog Lock

Thank fucking gawd its Friday.
This week has been, in a word, Hell. THREE midterms in one week, three days in a row. Who does that? Really, so I'm mentally drained, my brain has decided to go on a semi-permanent siesta thanks to this.
In actual good news, I've lined up a game against the Korean Olympic curling team, so that will be very pleasant and brutally hard to play against. Should be good fun anyways, and something to brag about when talking about scholarships later in the year hahaha.
Time to sleep. NOw that's funny, and wait till you see how.

Song of the day: Jesse McCartney feat. Ludacris - How do you Sleep

Weeeee! Curling, Politics and the grand scheme of life

I got my resolutions package today, I won't tell you what's on it but I like what I'm seeing so far, which is a surprise to me.
Curling today, shot my best game ever, wish I could play like that more often.

Bye, its too damn late at night for this shit tonight.

Song of the day: Nickelback - If Today was your last day

Starlight, Starbright...OOOH MOMMY I FAILED!

Randomness and intolerable setbacks were the order of the day.
I failed yet another midterm, this time in Classical Studies. I guess failing is a little harsh, as its still barely at fifty percent, but for course material that I've experienced three times now, this is a disappointing result. Even if it were the first time I had seen the information, this is still a disappointing setback and a cruel reminder that I need to stop lazing around and actually do the work.
Why am I doing this to myself again? Its not like I don't have the time or the motivation, I just keep getting suckered into other things; I think in psychology they talked about this as the limited resource model of motivation. That everytime I have to fight off a distraction, I leave less mental energy to beat back the next one. Ooooh, yay! I can use that tomorrow for my psych test, which now sits in the realm of MUST SUCCEED for me, considering my woeful studies in my first year courses. I wonder if I'll ever see that other english essay again, or if its lost to the sands of time, never to be seen again in this life.
Time to start praying, I'm going to need a miracle now to make up for all my first month idiocy.

Song of the day: M2M - Don't say you love me

shining stones and slightly drunk

Ooooh, I am not good at this whole personal thoughts blogging.
Midnight again, obviously. I distinctly remember telling myself that this would be when I go to sleep, not when I go blogging. Funny how such things don't matter as much after having a couple drinks after curling. Or before drinks, or pretty much any other time. Anyways, I'm not looking at the lights in the sky, I've sufficiently drunk myself that staring at millions of light sources at once exacerbates my current headache.
So today my object of affection and reflection shall be the chunk of amythiest I happily own. First of all, amythiest is my birthstone; I'm an early February birthday, but then you as yet unidentified readers probably know that already. I love this piece of rock, its had an evolving purpose in my life, which is more than I can say for most other objects and a goodly amount of live humans. Said stone started off as a gift for my then boyfriend, but since he decided that it wasn't working out, the stone mutated into a reminder that I need to always keep working towards the next goal and towards the next target; its been helpful that way in reminding me that as good as things are, there's always something that can be done to improve not just one's own life but the lives of others.

I swear, I won't do this tomorrow, it'll be nice and early like a sane human being.
Okay? Someone be a dear and remind me of this.

Song of the night: Owl City - Fireflies

Midnight Lights

Its just past midnight now, I should be in bed sleeping and totally unaware of anything in the world or my own mind.
But I'm not. Obviously. How could I be writing this if I were sleeping?
I'm looking out my window into the night sky, and I can't help but look at all the lights...and I can't help thinking of you again. I feel silly doing it, but I want to quote something because it says everything and nothing at the same time, and that ambivalence makes it perfect for how I feel.
"I will learn, and watch the lights in the sky, and remember..."
All the lights of the sky, of the city lines, and I still remember. I wonder, do you look up at the night sky and the city lights and remember me too? Maybe you do, maybe you don't, I like to think you do though, and that's why you're coming back to me, that in the midnight sky in winter's cold embrace, you look at the lights and learn, and remember me...
They say you do your best thinking at midnight, but midnight is clearly not my best time of day.

Song of the day: Lights - February Air

Here we are again

So, here we are again.
Welcome to my blog, my sanctuary from the insanity of everyday life and my prison from which I cannot escape my own mind. Enjoy picking through my innermost thoughts...your journey begins here, and so does mine.