So its not quite midnight right now, and I'm amazing myself by going to bed as soon as I finish writing this, which will very likely be before the end of the calendar day. Why? Because I just came to the realization that deep down, I don't have any friends. I have acquaintances, people with whom I socialize via the wonders of technology, not people that I actually get to go out and spend time with. For the first time in my life, that actually bothers me. I used to be really popular as a child, you know that O Anonymous Reader? I used to have birthday parties with literally fifty, sixty or seventy classmates and others who I genuinely called friends and spent huge amounts of time with. Not counting tonight's excursion, I can barely remember the last time I did anything fun with friends my own age. What happened to me? I can't think that its everyone else that's changed, that's too narcissistic. So what happened? Why is it that I find it so hard to be friends with people now, to the point where its almost like they're driven away by my very presense.
I miss it you know. Those of you who used to be close to me, I do miss you, but I guess I'm afraid. Maybe I'm afraid you'll hate me for what I've become or who I admit to being. Maybe I'm afraid that you'll leave and never come back if I let you back in. Maybe it doesn't matter. I just want to say that I miss my past self, the one that was always smiling and never swore, the one that had so many friends and activities going that it seemed like my house was simply a rest stop for all those who went to school with me. But that's over now isn't it? A child's dream gone in a puff of smoke, disappeared as though it was never truly there. I wish I could go back to the beginning, to go to all those people I've lost and left behind along the way and say come back with me, lets take this journey in our lives together again, like how we used to back when we were younger, dumber, and less encumbered with the stresses of our new lives as young adults in this stupid, high-stress world.
I guess I sound pretty pathetic now don't I?
But maybe that too is a good thing; I think maybe if if I show I'm not just a calculating bitch who's interested in his job, maybe people will like me more. But how can that be true when I'm the one people turn to for help with their problems...
Is it because I'm shy when you first meet me? I wish I could change that, but I don't know how...like I said before, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you'll hate me if I let you see who I am, and maybe, just maybe, I'll hate myself too if I show off what I am for the world and myself to see. Maybe I'll be so frightened of my demons and my preconceptions that I'll hate me too, and understand why people don't interact with me the way they used to do.
But I guess I won't ever get to find out, because no one wants to associate with me long enough to interact and let me find out; its too easy to simply talk about your own issues to me like you always do, instead of helping me when I finally, just this once, need real help to pull through. Maybe you'll change your mind, maybe someone in my vast group of "friends", friends and acquaintances will reach out and show me that I don't have to be afraid and that its okay to loosen up, that its okay just to be myself instead of what everyone wants me to be.
I think I'm going to go cry, realizing you're the world's biggest loner has that effect on people.
Song of the Day: Back Home - Yellowcard
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I know the feeling, I really do. The irony is, I felt like that when I was in school - mainly because I lost all of my friends one by one as they moved away or fell out with one another, driving our little group apart. And yes, that feeling of not having any real friends (people beyond acquaintances) really sucks ass. I think as a society we totally undervalue friendship, which is one of the few consquences of living in a sexualised society that isn't just a massive exaggeration by conservatives and the media.
ReplyDeleteI like to look at Greek society, where the bond of true friendship was lauded as the highest of all possible relationships.
Maybe this isn't helping much, but there is a point. It got better for me, and it can and will get better for you. I can't tell you how to reconnect with people, or how to make friends, and I'm not sure how much that is really where you have a problem. All i can say is, sometimes we get stuck in these unfortunate patches where there's nobody really that close to us. Loneliness sucks ass. But somehow, some time in the near future, you will make a new connection with someone, or reforge an old connection for that matter, and then it won't feel so bad. Chin up, Mr PSC, and hugs from a person who'd like to think of himself as a friend, even if there are several thousand miles to separate us.
That's very sweet of you, and of course I consider you a friend. My point was that the people around here are the ones I can't connect with, and that one I do admit is as much me as it is them.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words