who I am

I get the feeling that for some of the people on my friends list on facebook, you guys haven't really gotten to see the parts of me I wish you had, and instead got to see me at my very worst. If that's true and you're still on my friends list, that's very commendable of you and I hope that you'll read this and maybe change your opinion of me.
I have no idea how this note's actually going to work, it might be some stories, maybe a few actual things describing me. Mostly, its going to be words and thoughts flowing out of me, so bear with me if it wanders around in a rather drunken fashion.

Well, I guess that kind of segways nicely into my beginning; I'm clearly not as organized and sure of myself as I like to project to everyone. I bet it would shock lots of folks, but I'm actually pretty insecure about myself, especially when in groups. So yeah, that's kind of why I'm always quiet if you catch me in public; its not that I'm an arrogant bitch, its just that really, I don't know what to say without looking like an asshole or worse, and I don't want to be an asshole, I just want to be me. So I stay quiet, because its easier to be quiet and not noticed instead of putting myself out there and maybe being rejected.
I guess this is because of the past (yes there's a story coming, shoot me for it). Way back in elementary school, I still thought I kinda liked girls (to anyone new reading this, I'm GAY, SURPRISE!), so I spent forever trying to work up the courage to talk to one of my girl classmates, who shall obviously remain nameless in this story. I never talked to her, she always seemed to have lots of people around her, and she was both pretty and smart, a deadly combination. The whole year was spent like this, right up until the graduation dance.
Back in elementary school, if someone asked you to dance, you HAD to dance with them for that song, unless you were already with someone. Even so, that rule was more on paper than actually enforced in reality, so I was justifiably nervous when I got to asking her to dance a slow dance with me. To my utter surprise, she said yes to me and we had a wonderful song together (I couldn't tell you what it was though, probably Don't Speak by No Doubt). After the dance, we were all packing up our clothes and books, since class was out for the day, and she surprised me again by pulling me into the coatroom and telling me that she always, always had time for me and that i didn't have to be shy in asking her things like if she wanted to dance.
In hindsight, its pretty funny, since I probably should have known that, but I didn't because it could have gone the other way. And that scares me, rejection scares the shit out of me, just like it probably scares the shit out of whoever's actually killing time enough to read this. But anyways, that's why I'm quiet. Its not that I hate you or that I think you're beneath me, its just that really, I kind of don't want you to think I'm insane or anything like that, and most importantly, I don't want you to push me away because of anything I say or do, so I do nothing and thus hopefully anger nobody.

Mind you, when I do talk its very often about politics, and for that I make no apologies. Well, I do, but not because I have passion for what I believe in. I'm sorry for making you all endure it, but there's a root and reasoning for that too. Politics to me is the vehicle from which society can begin to solve its problems. Maybe that's a naive view, considering the dysfunction of our national and provincial governing bodies, but its a view I choose to relate to, particularly since I do cherish the ambition to join the ranks of those august legislators.
Elementary school was my first initiation into politics, and at the time I'm sure I didn't even know it. For those of you old enough to remember, this was the salad days of Svend Robinson, and the federal candidates came to my school for a debate. Why they were debating in front of kids who couldn't even vote for at least seven years is beyond me, but they came and answered our questions. I can't remember the exact promises and platitudes they made, but I remember how it balanced against the lessons of my youth; how we were supposed to share and work together to get things done, and it made me realize that this was something that was interesting to me.
My real awakening into politics has actually been only recently. In high school, as I was beginning to come out of the closet, I started to take notice of how things really were in the world, how there was so much injustice and how little was being done about it by ordinary people. You have to remember, up until then, I'd been a horribly sheltered child and I'd very rarely seen a homeless person as anything other than someone I didn't want to touch me - schoolyard rumours about how they ended up that way tainted my mind and convinced me that they were a lower caste in society and should be ignored. I got to meet a homeless person when doing my work experience trip in high school. I mean really meet them, see them as a human being with dreams and fears and a family that loves them. It made me ache, knowing there was so little being done to help people who had made a bad decision in life.
From there, I just started to get into as many issues as I could, trying to find ways to make things better for those who already face too much hardship. I guess at this point you guys are wondering why I'd bother, its not like they can ever reward me, and its very likely that no one I advocate on behalf of will ever know my name. On both counts, they don't have to.
Back in my last year of high school, there was a boy who I knew and he was being bullied a bit. I won't say how I found out, simply that I did, and that very little was being done for him. I remember looking out for him a little bit, a bit of a challenge considering my school schedule. I was lucky enough to see him just between classes one day, and it looked like he was a little unhappy to be going to his next class. I remember that I walked over to him and said hello, asked him how his day was, and reminded him that we had a game together later that night, and not to be late. At this point I was going to be late for my class, but it was worth it knowing that he wouldn't be as sad in that class, because someone was being his friend. He never thanked me, but that's okay. I knew how much it meant to him, and knowing that I made him smile for a few seconds longer than he would have was all the thanks I needed.
The year before that, a classmate of mine died. I was never actually that close to the person, and in fact he kind of bothered me whenever we had class together. When he died, the school administration told us that we weren't going to be allowed to have any kind of way to grieve for him, that we just had to move on because his family didn't wish for it to happen. I knew he was popular, and that everyone who would miss him would never get to go to his actual funeral, so myself and a couple of his closer friends went to the principal of the school, and we begged him to allow us one lunch hour to remember our classmate. As it turned out, the brother of the deceased was going on a field trip later in the week, and once it was known he was gone, there was a PA announcement explaining where and when it would be held. I went to that memorial for a few minutes. I have to admit, it was pretty fucking awkward; I barely knew the kid. Didn't matter, not for a second. When I got there, the library was absolutely filled with people, including some of his teachers, all of them sharing fond memories of a friend, classmate and student. I didn't stay long, I didn't think I'd be welcome and even if I was, I wouldn't know what to say at all. I was glad that I fought to allow it though, THEY needed that day, and nobody except for my teacher knew who arranged the event, but it was still worth it.
I mention this because I want you to know that I am genuine when I say that I want to help. If I make a gesture of trying to help you or support you, its because I really want to, not for any other reason than to make things a little better for you. I...I come on strong sometimes, offering help even when its not solicited. I guess that makes me a bit of a creeper doesn't it? I mean the whole part where I come out of nowhere offering to help or comfort you, without you having ever wanted me to get involved. Its just who I am, or at least who I try to be, that if I see someone who's feeling low or in trouble, I want to be there to help and make it all better. Because really, as corny as it sounds, I do feel better knowing that all my friends, and I do count you all as friends, are feeling happy and are well. You are my friends, I can't always help you, but I always want to be able to try because you guys make me who I am, and I don't want you to hurt because it hurts me too.
Many of you who end up reading this, you're probably also wondering why I do some of the stupid, awkward things that I do. I don't really have an answer for you, except to say that if I were a better person, a less awkward person, I'd probably come up with a less brutal method of expressing myself. I'm weird that way, in that I don't believe in beating around the bush, especially when I like someone or think they like me. I don't think its wasting time to flirt and take things slow, but I don't want to wait forever to know if you feel the way I feel, so I try to express my feelings as quickly as I can. Sometimes, its by saying it. Sometimes its by doing something incredibly stupid and tacky, hoping that my message is being made without an error in translation. And sometimes, it makes me do godawful stupid thiings that make you hate me instead of getting the effect I want. I just want to say that embarrassing you or causing you all pain isn't what I'm trying to do. Its just...if I go forward as bluntly as I do right in the beginning, then at least I'll know right away whether there's any interest, and I can save myself the pain and self-hate of being led along. So I guess I'm sorry for being so forward at times. But at the same time, I'm not sorry at all, I just want to say that its me, its who I am and how I do things, and whether its the best way or the worst way, it is THE way that I choose to conduct myself. Doesn't excuse it, doesn't make it right, just makes it me.

Its 3am now, and I'm beginning to lose what little coherance I began with, so I think I might call it quits on this one now. I...I wanted to write this, in the hopes that some of you who I might have offended would at least have an understanding that offence wasn't intended, and that by knowing me a little further there'd be a chance that you'd talk with me more, or at least acknowledge that we are different people with completely different ways of thinking and acting. Maybe tomorrow I'll write a more uplifting version of this, going through my hobbies and whatnot.